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I want to ask out a woman I know, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea. She divorced her husband about 4 months ago. I’m not close friends with her, however we do know each other. She’s someone I’ve always liked and so when she divorced, I was actually happy I could pursue her. What’s your advice about asking someone out after a divorce? Good idea or not? Is it too soon? She’s a great lady and I’d love to get to know her better.
–Will
Dear Will,
It’s a good idea to take a timeout from romantic relationships after a divorce. This time is best used to complete the stages of grief which starts prior to filing for divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Individuals cycle through in no particular order and revisit different stages until reaching complete acceptance of their loss. Ending a marriage represents a loss of hopes and dreams, perhaps a lifestyle and requires learning how to live without your other half. Divorce is never easy and can be more stressful than the death of a spouse. Following a divorce, individuals need time to heal, and if there are children it is wise to give them time to adjust to their new reality before introducing another person into their lives.
Your lady friend is the only one who can decide when she’s ready to date. Generally speaking, it takes about 1 year for every 5 years of marriage for the emotional divorce and healing to complete. Call her and at the very least be a friend. Allow things to evolve naturally. She may be happy to have male companionship at this stage of her process and with your sensitivity she may see you as a gift.
Wait! I Want a re-do on the “Will you …”
I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years about two weeks ago and she said “yes.” Now, I’m regretting that move. We’re both in our forties and our children are out of the house. We’ve lived together all this time as if we were married — or at least for 4 of the 5 years we’ve been together. So why change a good thing? I’ve noticed that as soon as I proposed, I started to feel anxious, suffocated and like I wanted to run away from all of this. I do not want to get married! What should I do? I have no intention of leaving her, but I really don’t want to change the way things are. I’m just not sure how to bring this up to her.
Scott
Dear Scott,
Post engagement jitters can occur at times. Be patient with your anxieties as perhaps they may be drawing your attention to unfinished business from a past relationship or marriage that needs completion prior to moving on to the next marriage. Other reasons for the anxieties can arise from anticipation of role and/or responsibility changes. Talk with your fiancé about these concerns. Open and honest communication leads to greater understanding and deeper connection, the antidote to the jitters.
I’d imagine that your fiancé is very important to you. Re-negotiating the engagement may back fire and cause a rift in the “good thing” you have established with her. It may be seen as a lack of commitment on your part. Love takes courage. I wish you the best and may you find a way to attain what you truly want in spite of your fears.
As the founder of Fearless Love Relationship Coaching and Counseling, we specialize in matters of the heart for singles and couples desiring to create a safe and intimate marriage that lasts a life-time. I support couples to increase understanding, connection and intimacy — recharge the love that brought you together. Be equipped with positive communication and conflict resolution skills while refining intimacy skills. For singles interested in meeting the love of their life, I assist you to break through fears and limitations, heal from past relationships and to live authentically. Don’t just fall in love…live in love.
For divorcees, I support you to stabilize, heal, and recover; navigate through this life transition in a way that promotes a healthy living and to finding love again by finding yourself first. Nothing excites me more than to empower you to embrace balance, inner peace, passion, and love.
Jianny Adamo,MA, LPC, LMHC, NCC
238 NE 1st Ave, Ste.104, Delray Beach, FL 33444
www.fearlesslove.net
Tel: 954-495-4566
