Low libido is a lack of or decrease in sex drive, which in medical terminology is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. Both men and women can have low libido, but the loss of sexual desire is one of women’s most serious sexual concerns and can be affected by physical as well as emotional issues. Just because you may have sex often, doesn’t mean you are always in the mood. Many times, people in a relationship (more so women) will have sex just to keep their partner happy or from getting into arguments about how long it’s been, but this is not what we as women want. We want to enjoy it, we want to feel good and we want to want it! Sex is meant to be fun, it is meant to be pleasurable and when you are doing it for obligatory reasons, you are missing one of the main purposes and reasons for sex. Intimacy, connection with your partner as well as pleasure should be your goals! Too many times the focus is on performance and not the pleasure of being sexual.
How many times have you come home from a long day at work just to get slapped in the face with dishes, laundry, schoolwork with your kids, having to cook dinner, and everything else that comes along with life? All you want to do is take your clothes off, slip into something more comfortable and be left to your comfy bed, close your eyes and just sleep. Everyone has such a busy life that in addition to all of these pressures of things that you have do, you have your partner needing something from you too. You are just too tired, too stressed, too over not being in the mood and just don’t know what to do.
Contrary to what many people may think, there is no normal amount of sex a married couple or a couple in a relationship should be having. Some couples are good with once a week and others want to be intimate 4 times a week. But when talking about women, hormones fluctuate as does sexuality and moods. There will be some months where you may have sex 3 times a month and another month where you are doing it 3 times a week and that’s ok. Sexuality is fluid and both partners need to understand that there are going to be ebbs and flows through the relationship. Putting pressure on your partner to perform a certain amount of times each week can give you the opposite result.
Sexual drive is a biological effect of sexual desire. What does that mean? It means that often, women may not have a drive due to the fact that they don’t have a desire and nobody is doing anything to build that desire, especially as you get older or in a long term relationship. How do you build desire to increase your drive or libido? Well, it can be something as simple as fantasizing, knowing what turns you on and either learning your body to find what gets the juices flowing or how to recharge it. You must have the willingness to want to be sexual. It is a state of mind over body. If you say to yourself you have no desire, you aren’t in the mood and you have no fantasies, then you won’t allow yourself to build any desire.
It’s normal for sex drive to naturally wane with age, but it can also be affected by psychological and emotional factors as well. Are you angry at your spouse, have any resentment or feel a lack of appreciation? You may feel aroused in general or have desire for others, but if your spouse complains that you have low libido, it may be the lack of intimacy in your relationship and not necessarily something due to age or hormones. So what can you do? Here are 5 tips to spark up some intimacy that can lead to increased desire and libido.
1. Check your hormone levels to make sure there isn’t a lack of “free” testosterone or any other issues that may contribute to the low libido. Even some medications you may be on can cause that as a side effect.
2. Find ways to work on increasing intimacy by helping your partner with some of the household chores or responsibilities, so they aren’t as tired in the evening and would be more open to connecting.
3. Think of the last times you hugged and kissed (with tongue) and not had it lead to sex. If you can’t remember then you need to focus on that daily, so sex isn’t always expected when you kiss and hug. It ‘s more likely to be reciprocated when there are no expectations.
4. Focus on intimacy and not having to perform. Have a night where you just soak in the tub and take turns washing each other’s backs. Put candles on, some nice music and just relax.
5. Lastly, contact a specialist that can help both partners find ways to bring back the spark and spice and resolve any emotional issues that may be causing havoc on your relationship.
Contact Dr. Stacy for all of your intimacy concerns, as she specializes in couples who want to increase their intimacy and reignite the desire, working with women with low libido and other sexual issues who want to find themselves again. Go to www.DrStacy.org or call Dr. Stacy at 561-899-7669. You can get a free download of Dr. Stacy’s Amazon bestselling book, “Confessions & Lessons of A Sexpert: The Ultimate Guide to Intimacy & Better Sex” at www.DrStacyBook.com or a hardcopy can be found on Amazon.