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After the affair: Tell or Do Not Tell?
I cheated on my husband and I haven’t told him. I’ve broken it off with the other man. I know what I did was wrong and I feel guilty and awful. I don’t even know why I did it. My husband is a wonderful man and he’s been nothing but devoted and good to me. I fear that if I tell him, I’ll destroy our marriage of 12 years and create even more problems. I don’t want this to instigate a divorce or hurt our kids. What should I do? Should I just try to move on as if nothing happened?
—- Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Yes confess, but to a professional or mature friend, who can support you. Look inward. You may feel a range of emotions from guilt, fear, shame to sorrow. Figure out why you cheated. Both men and women cheat primarily for emotional reasons. They feel lonely, disconnected, distant from their partner, taken for granted, or bored. They also cheat when there isn’t enough sexual intimacy, which can happen when the relationship is not balanced: ranking high on being safe and secure but low on passion and spontaneity.
Once you have sorted your feelings and reasons then decide how to proceed. Sometimes it is only necessary to ask for changes to get things back on track. Sometimes a confession is necessary. At other times you can make the adjustments without involving your partner and let the past stay in the past. An example of the latter is if you have been neglecting yourself and your sex life. Embracing your sensuality, feeling beautiful and sexy doesn’t require a man!
No matter what you decide to do, don’t forget to forgive yourself. Forgiveness of self is necessary for healing and growth.
Will I be alone forever?
I’m in my thirties. I have a lot of friends and a career. What I don’t have is a partner. I feel left out of an important part of life and it breaks my heart. All of the relationships I’ve had were disasters. Now, I feel there is little hope of finding anyone to share my life with. To others it appears that I’m happy and successful, but the truth is very different. I’m afraid of being alone forever. What should I do?
— Ella
Dear Ella,
Not finding your life partner can be very disheartening. No, you don’t need to be alone forever. There is love and a person out there for you. You may need to engage in a little soul searching and clearing the path first.
Using a sheet of paper, take a look at your relationship history. List all of your significant relationships – family, teachers, boyfriends, friends and anyone who’s had an impact on your life. List the positive traits and the negative traits of each relationship not of the individuals. You should be able to see patterns and common threads emerging.
Are there relationship cycles that need to be interrupted or broken? Are there fears and disempowering beliefs undergirding these patterns?
Some of these cycles can be overcome by reading and some may need the assistance of a professional.
Next learn to trust your instincts. When you meet a potential candidate what does your gut tell you? It’s important to be aware of how you are responding to an individual. Consider it valuable information. Take this insight and be intentional about what you want and what you are willing to work for to have a loving relationship.
Jianny Adamo, MA, LPC, LMHC, NCC
238 NE 1st Ave, Ste.104, Delray Beach, FL 33444
www.fearlesslove.net
Tel: 954-495-4566
About Jianny Adamo, MA
As the founder of Fearless Love Relationship Coaching and Counseling, we specialize in matters of the heart for singles and couples desiring to create a safe and intimate marriage that lasts a life-time. I support couples to increase understanding, connection and intimacy — recharge the love that brought you together. Be equipped with positive com-munication and conflict resolution skills while refining intimacy skills. For singles interested in meeting the love of their life, I assist you to break through fears and limitations, heal from past relationships and to live authentically. Don’t just fall in love…live in love.
For divorcees, I support you to stabilize, heal, and recover; navigate through this life transition in a way that promotes a healthy living and to finding love again by finding yourself first. Nothing excites me more than to empower you to embrace balance, inner peace, passion, and love.
